The Stuggle

I guess I'll just start writing and see where I go....

I've been pretty frustrated with my self lately. I don't know why I have to be so hard on myself, but I am. Past experiences have taught me things I don't like about myself and somehow, I can't stop. Right now, I'm doing it! I've written 4 sentences to describe some of the things that bother me about me and somehow I either can't spit it out or I feel I can't say what I want to say because someone might read it and think I'm talking about them. In reality, no one reads my blog so it should matter, right? Wrong. My brain is programed now to censor what I say or how I act around people. For instance, I have written lots of things for this blog or my facebook page and eventually, I get nervous on how someone might be offended and I take it down. Really, that's frustration number 1.

Number 2, the way I look. I know we all struggle with it at some level but mine is to the point were I feel disgusted with myself but can't seem to do what I have to to change. I'm a firm believer that in order to lose weight you have to just do it. It doesn't help to talk about it, or dream about it. You have to just do it. Until you make the commitment to, there's no way you will succeed. Well, I keep thinking I'm committing only to sabotage myself every step of the way. Honestly, at this point, I'm going one day at a time and trying as hard as I can to remember that I want to get pregnant at a much lower weight, in other words, it's important damn it!

Number 3, relationships. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm a terrible friend, sister, wife and daughter. I've managed to push away most of my friends and family. They would say, no you haven't, but it's true. My friends never stood a chance.... I pushed them away fast out of an irrational fear that my husband might like them more than me or because I can't forgive and forget things they've done to hurt me.

Ugh, I sound pathetic, this post will probably only be up for a short time.